i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
