I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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