He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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