I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
