overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
