Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
