Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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