Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
