just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize