I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
