Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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