drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
