So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
