If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
