A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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