I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
