You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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