Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
