shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
