I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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