There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
