You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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