Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
