It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
