I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
