i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize