I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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