I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
