if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's blow job season.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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