I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All the doctor said was why
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
