My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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