her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
