I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
