why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
