She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
