Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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