Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
