Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
