I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
