I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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