Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
