What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
