Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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