Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
