Kiss
Puke
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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