I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
