Don't EVER smell your tampon
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
