this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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