Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
