It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
bring money and cleavage
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
