she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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