I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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