I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
