The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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