i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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