The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
