I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
