Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
