and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i would punch a child for taco bell
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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