His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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