i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize