I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
sarcasm needs its own font
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
